Frequently Axed FAQ's

What is the story behind the shirt?

I liked my badge photo from work, so I sent an 8.5 x 11 framed print of this to my old roommate for Christmas. I had mentioned that I thought it would be pretty funny to have that on a shirt. She said she'd wear it.

About a month later, I had 3 shirts made with a slightly modified version of the badge photo. One for me, one for my old roommate, and one for a gal from home. Despite some people's wishes, the shirts became fairly popular.

Isn't that narcissistic?

Sorry, what was that? I was distracted by my reflection.

Is that Jesus?

Yes.

That looks like one of those Che Guevara shirts.

That isn't a question.

But why male models?

Are you serious?

What time is it?

That depends

Seriously, what time is it?

What's it to you?

Do you need any personal security?

No. I have the Heels Angels of Hawthorne backing me. They protect and dazzle.

Why are you walking with a cane?

To keep off all of the ladies who can't get enough of the shirt.

Who makes your shirts?

I do. I didn't initally. I tried a bunch of different printing companies. I got tired of having to place bulk orders and dreamed of the freedom and greatness that comes from the ability to print myself, so I learned how to print shirts.

How do you make shirts?

I will post a how-to on making Zach shirts at some point. Basically, you start off with a design, do some stuff, and then you have a shirt.

Did you make the website yourself?

Sort of. I had a lot of help from SMoon, Durbinstein, and Ms. Choung.

Who is Smoon?

Scott Moon. He is a chap from work. Check out his sweet website: www.moonograph.com

Who is Durbinstein?

The less you know about Durbinstein, the better off you will be.

Who is Ms. Choung?

Smoon's awesome cousin of artistic and general greatness. Check out her super clean site: http://cargocollective.com/rachelchoung

Where do babies come from?

That is an excellent question. I have no idea. I think it has something to do with holding hands without gloves. I am fairly confident science has not yet figured this out.

How do you put your pants on?

Both legs at the same time, on my stomach, just like everyone else.

Are you alright? You look terrible. Are you hungover?

Oh, I feel great. That's just how I naturally look.

What is a metaphor?

Kind of like a simile.

What is with the geriatric shoes?

Old people know what's up. They have been around the block. They know what is good. Those are the shoes they wear.

What is the best compliment you ever received?

"You pimp so hard, you're making us all look bad."

How do you say "that" in Chinese?

That is a good question. I don't know.

Do single people wear Zach Shirts?

Zach Shirts are family shirts for happy families. Maybe single people wear Zach Shirts, I don't know. Frankly, I don't want to know. It's a market I can do without. (This is not true. I just wanted to throw in a Simpsons reference.)

What's with the artwork?

I saw a sheet from a coloring book on a gal's desk at work that said "Christine, age 4." I realized that I could not do much better and I was 27. I decided to give it a shot. It turns out that I was right.

What is a diamond?

Just like a ruby

What is a ruby?

Just like a diamond

What are your thoughts on button-fly pants?

They should not exist. Here is a quote you will never hear: "Sweet! Button-fly pants!"

If th...

I know what you are going to ask. The answer is "No." I am not related to Zack Morris.

Zach - how would you best describe yourself?

5'6" 151 of pure chocolate

If you put a hot dog in the microwave for 5 minutes, which was does it split and why?

It splits along the longitudinal axis because hoop stress is twice the axial stress for thin walled pressure vessels.

Is Pat Kewley great?

Yes he is.

Your nametag says "Reverend." Are you ordained?

Yeah. I'm an ordained minister of The Church of Latter Day Dude. I have officiated 5 weddings.

Did you get ordained to officiate weddings?

No. I really just wanted "Rev" on my driver's license, but I'm still working on that.

Are you good at keeping secrets?

I am great at keeping secrets, like this one time when I went biking with Jimmy and ... nice try. You almost got me.

When you grow up, who do you want to be?

Either Mr. T or Officer Hightower from Police Academy.

Do you have any rap names?

Why yes. I have two:

• GRANDMAster Z, The Web M.C. ("GRANDMA Z" for short)
• Heavy Z

What math programs did you use when creating this website?

Mathematica, Matlab, Mathcad, and Math Rabbit

Why is the sky blue?

Originally, it was thought that it was due to Reyleigh scattering. Rayleigh scattering is when a photon scatters off a particle whose size is much smaller than the photon's wavelength.  The intensity of scattering is inversely proportional to wavelength to the 4th power, so blue light is scattered more strongly than red.  Violet light is of course scattered even more strongly than blue, but the Sun's blackbody radiation signature has less violet light in it, and human eyes are more sensitive to blue.  Because the scattering is caused by dipole radiation, the scattered light is polarized.

Science has come a long way. Scientists have since come to realize that it is in fact due to the Zach Shirts.

What are your thoughts on not answering questions?

Are you related to Peter and David Paul, the Barbarians?

Obviously

How do you stay in shape?

I drink protein shakes (a.k.a. as "gym substitutes"), eat avgolemono soup, and watch yoga.

Are you losing your hair?

Not exactly. It's just relocating to unfortunate parts of my body.

Why does your finger look so weird?

Some jerk tried to steal my cake. I had to protect it. I went to flick him, but I pulled so hard that I tore the tendon on the top of my finger. My flicking days are behind me.

If you are good at one thing, what is it?

Well, it was flicking, but that is over. Now I am best at skipping rocks. I am also pretty good at hitting the golf ball with a wicked slice over the side fence into the water tanks.

Hablas Español?

Estudié por nueve años, pero no puedo hablar.

Parlez-vous Français?

Je parle un petite peu, mais j'essaie d'apprendre. However, I mostly know cuss words.

Mluvíte česky?

Bramborový židle.

Which bidet should I get?

This is a great one: Luxe Bidet Neo 120 - Self Cleaning Nozzle - Fresh Water Non-Electric Mechanical Bidet Toilet Attachment (blue and white)
Also, this is an Amazon Affiliate link... a.k.a. as - use this link to get to Amazon and a percentage of ANYTHING you end up purchasing in that session goes to charity!

What are your thoughts on women's sizing?

I am very disappointed with the current system. Why are they scaled so small that many tiny gals wear a large or larger? Not many gals want to say that they are large. They should take the current sizes and shift them up at least 1 size, resulting in a current medium being a small. That will make people feel better about themselves. They would be happier and would thus spread the happiness to the world. It's physics; you wouldn't understand.

If I could run the show, I'd change the name of the sizes from XS, S, M, L, XL, and XXL to "tiny," "slim," "fine," "mmmmm," "what what!," and "back that up."